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Monday July 9, 2007

my laptop got stolen by (the client of) a tranny hooker

So, I've been working on this project at area/code where I've had to leave my laptop running for 3 hours at a time, check back, repeat, etc. When I took off from work on Friday night (8p), I left my machine chugging away, got some drinks + dinner and then came back three hours later (11p) to start the whole 3 hour process again.

On Saturday, I made the trek over to the office around 1pm so I could start the whole 3 hour thing again. But when I got off the elevator, I noticed right away that the door to our office was unlocked (which sketched me out since I was the last person to leave the night before). And when I got to my desk I realized my laptop was missing (!!) - power adaptor too!

So, I'm looking around the office half trying to see if anything else is missing (nothing noticeable) and half trying to figure out which of the MF'ers I work would pull such a dirty "Ha - I hid your laptop" trick on me... which is when I heard something coming from the back of the office.

And so I'm thinking, "Holy shit, the dude that broke in and stole my laptop is still here!" So I went to the back of the office and found this woman sleeping on the sofa in one of the glassed-in offices. I knocked on the door and woke her up. "Hi. Who are you? How'd you get here? And do you know what happened to my laptop?" She was speaking all crazy-talk (drunk? high?) so I called the cops (911! second time ever! and much better than last time!) and told them that it looked like someone had broke into our office and that that person was still here hanging out on our couch.

Seeing that the intruder was a crunked, passed out woman, I didn't feel so threatened, but I guess the 911 dispatcher told the cops something that sounded a little more dangerous as about 10 minutes later, 8 cops showed up guns half-drawn.

I took them over to the office where the woman was passed out and one of the cops looked at her and said "Oh no, that's Michelle." When I asked how she knew her one of the other cops tapped me on the shoulder and was like, "That's no woman, sir." Another one told me she / he's a prostitute from the "Meat District" and that they've run into her a bunch of times before.

So, fast forward through 15 minutes of the cops questioning her... and then the cops questioning me ("Does a Jesse work here? James? How about a Frank?" - ha!). It turns out someone from the building cleaning crew picked up a tranny hooker, brought her him back to our office, made the sweet sweet love all over the office couch, took off (grabbing two laptops, a flat screen monitor and Mike's digicam) and just left the tranny hooker passed out on the couch. Huh.

So, that's pretty much it. We filed some police reports and I bought a new MacBook (black 13", 2g RAM). Lost hardware kind-of sucks, but lost data really sucks. The last time I backed up my Mac was January (ugh - I know, I know) so I lost about *6 months* worth of photos (including Mike.D and Jos' wedding from last weekend - uuuuuugggghhhhh!).

The conclusion? Michelle was arrested on trespassing charges. Cops say there's no way I'll ever get the laptop back (even though it looks like they'll catch the guy thanks to swipe key records and elevator video).

Oh, and worse, the break-in was on the *one day* I left my laptop here overnight. Man! (Gives me the same "what shit luck" feeling I had when me + Cousin Michelle - not to be confused with Tranny Hooker Michelle - had our passports, etc. ripped off in Barcelona the *one day* we put those stupid money belts into our backpacks instead of wearing them. Whole story.)

Anyway, here's some pics from the scene of the crime...

Close-up of the office. Everyone's been asking me "Did you get a pic of the tranny hooker?" and sadly I did not. It felt weird! (but in retrospect I totally should have). By the way, you can see her sitting there on the couch if you look real hard.

The couch. Try your hardest not to look at the white stains on the left. (Dianne, they are JIZZ STAINS!!!)

And left behinds from the sex party. Note giant tub of vasoline.

Empty. (Want some mustard?)

And a bottle of either (a) Crown Royal, (b) urine, (c) both. I'm not sure what the answer is.

A simple courtesy to my fellow co-workers.

Mon 7/9 @ 3:24 PM | # link| Comments (19)
what the kids are saying:   (sorry, due to spam I turned off comments

From: Will
Date: Mon Jul. 9 @ 3:58 PM

what was the 1st time you called 911

From: boomer
Date: Mon Jul. 9 @ 3:59 PM

omg so sorry for your loss Dennis. on the bright side: your intruder(s) practice good dental hygiene.
From: ak
Date: Mon Jul. 9 @ 4:23 PM

so have you named your new laptop "Michelle"?
From: rob
Date: Mon Jul. 9 @ 4:39 PM

you went to barcelona with the tranny hooker?
From: Michael Eyal Sharon
Date: Mon Jul. 9 @ 6:05 PM

Can't wait for the video!
From: dianne
Date: Mon Jul. 9 @ 6:27 PM

CSI kit
From: Kevin Cheng
Date: Mon Jul. 9 @ 8:09 PM

wow. just ... wow.
From: Karen
Date: Mon Jul. 9 @ 8:11 PM

Really sorry for your loss - but that has to be the FUNNIEST STORY EVER.
From: femmebot
Date: Mon Jul. 9 @ 8:53 PM

eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew eew
From: Shree..\\
Date: Tue Jul. 10 @ 12:02 AM

So sorry to hear that!
From: caroline
Date: Tue Jul. 10 @ 12:46 AM is a good thing you had someone there to hold the elevator in case he/she was armed...wait...who would have been clever enough to think of that? huh.
From: captain cuddles
Date: Tue Jul. 10 @ 8:09 AM

shit. this means no teen drama entry from the wedding. SHHHHHHIIIIIIITTTTTTT.
From: brady
Date: Tue Jul. 10 @ 7:38 PM

Suck! I hope this doesn't affect the final release of Plundr on the DS Lite.
From: kevin
Date: Wed Jul. 11 @ 2:09 AM

nothing -- not even semen stains on the couch -- will keep Plundr DS in the closet. Or some other metaphor.
From: Melissa
Date: Wed Jul. 11 @ 7:19 PM

Yeah, but were any of the cops hot?
From: Mark Davis
Date: Thu Jul. 12 @ 1:12 AM

fuck the police, not the trannies.
From: Jed
Date: Thu Jul. 12 @ 6:06 PM

If you guys had Skyhook on the laptop, we could find it for you.... And we have now been inspired to add the 'Tranny' Channel to the Loki toolbar.
From: Visitor111
Date: Sun Jul. 15 @ 10:13 AM

I have visited your site 122-times
From: Visitor279
Date: Sun Jul. 15 @ 10:13 AM

Your site found in Google:
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